One of the hardest things we as people have trouble doing. At least for me, it has been. I am trying to change that about myself, but then someone comes along and rips my heart into a thousand pieces. As the days go by and we get older it seems we lose the ability to forgive as easy as we did when we were young. I believe it’s because when we were young we were not jaded with life yet. So much of me wants to be young again. I miss those days. I used to be that person that was once deemed a “doormat” that you could walk on and I would just forgive no matter what happened.
Now that I am older, it’s so hard. It’s hard to not hold onto the anger and allow myself to just let it go and forget and forgive. I don’t want anger or pain in my life anymore. I want to be able to go back to the girl who was the “doormat,” the girl that looked at everything with optimism. I write to get through my days and heal my mind, but sometimes it’s not enough.
When I wrote Devine Intervention, God was trying to speak to me with every word I wrote. He was telling me to let it go, enjoy the life you have left, because once you leave here, you won’t get another chance to forgive. I know I have to do it, but doing it is the problem. There is so much to be said but I haven’t found that girl yet that once lived within me. I see her occasionally, but then she’s gone.
There is a lot I have done myself to others that I hope to be forgiven for one day. I hope that before my time is up I can seek out the one’s I have hurt in some way and they will forgive me for the things I have done. I have hope that my family especially forgives me. I think that in the end, that will be what matters to me the most.
My loving husband, who has put up with my illness and never giving up on me. He is the epitome of forgiveness in regard to me. His love is what gives me hope. My beautiful daughter, who has had to shoulder the burden of taking care of me when I needed her, who still worries constantly and to be so young to have to worry is something that makes my heart ache. My sweet son, who I have tried to keep all of this pain from, but didn’t accomplish, I hope he forgives me as well when his mother turns into someone he doesn’t recognize. I ask for forgiveness from them as they are the one’s that have dealt with this never ending pain that has taken over their mother and wife.
Knowing what I have to do and doing it so that I can let my heart open back up to the girl that once was is who I want to become before I leave this Earth, but if I don’t get the chance and you are one that is reading this and I have ever hurt you in some way..Forgive me.