My Inspiration: Monsters

Drem

Monsters scare me. I’m on the wrong side of my 20s and they still do. All I have are nightmares (with the rare exception of that one time with Prince Harry…)

As an adult, monsters don’t present themselves like the gifs you see above. Instead, one monster is my rapist. One is my father who abused me for 15 years. The rest are Islamic terrorists (I’m a New Yorker- 9/11- don’t fuck with me). Also, the ocean. The ocean is one big monster. That came after Hurricane Sandy. And, oh, I must not forget my multiple sclerosis/scleroderma/other autoimmune diseases that will progress in time. Now that I’m thinking about it, time is a monster.

I’m a trauma poet. And the monsters I listed above traumatized me. They fucked me up… Pills, pills, pills. Tears, tears, tears. Blades, blades, blades. Hopeless. No light. With a self-hatred so strong it’s blinding to…

View original post 224 more words

AutoImmune Disease Suck

image

Excerpt:
Let me say real quick..you can find this book on Kindle but I am warning you..it was written during my sickest times, so do not judge the grammer errors and the fact you can just tell I was out of it.

That’s putting it lightly, actually.   I loathe the diseases that have robbed me of being who I was before.  I go through periods of anger, then depression, then anger. .on and on, up and down.  I feel like a roller coaster is raging through my body.  Oh, I have good days sometimes, but mentally I am not built for isolation and my body demands of me to be down more than up.  My mental state depends on it or I become depressed even more.  Mentally and physically drained is what I have been dealing with the last few weeks. 

Why?  Well let’s see…  Moved to the beach where I thought I would feel better but living with brother-in- law and his family is not ideal.  I am trying to keep up with not just my kids and their upkeep but his kids as well.   We don’t have the same type of parenting and lets’ face it living in someone elses home sucks.  Please don’t get me wrong, I appreciate him opening his home to us but holy shit, I had no idea what we were walking into.

On another note, husband still hasn’t found a job and I am STILL batteling to get my disability.  I would rather work but I can’t and it pisses me off.  I could get a good paying job but I can’t mentally or physically do the work I used to do and that infuriates me.  Oh and please let’s add that we moved in and within a week my niece has lice, then the rest of the kids followed.

So what have I been doing instead of resting my body as the doctor ordered?  Cleaning a house that hasn’t been deep cleaned in years and inhaling bleach fumes until I passed out in the bathroom.  No shit, I am not making this up.  I am a freak about bugs and damned if I am going to get them in my hair.  So I have been working until I collasped and then been down with joint pain and aches from head to toe.  Oh yeah,  I have ongoing mono that loves to flair up whenever it damn well pleases.  Another one of those lovely side affects of autoimmune.

10 years ago this would be no big deal.  I  mean, it’s a big deal to clean for days but it wouldn’t put me down for days on end.  Hell, before my body decided to turn against me, I could work and deal with all of this and more.  Sure, I would be tired but not this kinda bone deep agony.  

I miss my personality too. I miss my laugh..I miss a lot of things but I have had to except this new body and new mentality but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.  For those of you that have autoimmune, you know exactly where I am coming from..

Sorry, I just needed to vent somewhere and unfortunately you guys get to be the victims.  I promise to not be such a downer next time.

Much Love,

Donna Weir